Beauty

A friend and I were reminiscing the other day about a few TV shows that we watched as kids. We were discussing "Wonder Woman," when I asked, do you remember "The Secrets of Isis?" He said, "I loved Isis!" Without hesitation I gushed, "I wanted to be Isis! I wanted to be Wonder Woman, too!" We laughed for a moment, then he said, "Isn't it interesting that gay boys want to be heroes like Wonder Woman and Isis, rather than Aquaman, or some other male superhero?" It made me wonder, why are so many icons for gay men women?

Growing up, I can vividly remember dangling a towel around my head, pretending it was long, luxurious locks of hair. I can remember wrapping my body in a blanket, imagining myself clothed in a form-fitting, stunning evening gown. When I was lucky enough, I would commandeer a pair of my mothers high heels and wear them around, proud of this gorgeous feminine creature that I had, in my mind, become. I did this with no shame, no deliberation, no remorse. It was natural for me. It was the exploration of my feminine side, the innate longing to understand the sense of femininity and beauty that lay inside of me.

Growing up, I left such things behind, slowly becoming more comfortable with the masculine side of my being. Yet, deep inside, I still help on to that desire to be beautiful.

I can remember as a young adult, specifically shunning anything typically "gay." Until my late twenties, I had never heard a Patsy Cline song. I refused to listen to her, as she was a stereotypically gay icon, and I did not want to allow myself the possibility of liking her. That would be expected of a gay man. Barbra Streisand? Ditto. Joan Crawford, Bette Midler, Cher -- any stereotypically gay icon I simply turned my eyes and ears to. Then one day, I thought, "Fuck it, let's see what all of the hype is about," and I listened to my first Patsy Cline song. I was mesmerized. Such an incredible voice. Such swooning emotion. She spoke to me...

Over the years, I discovered the talents of other gay icons, some intentionally, some by happenstance. Though my mind wanted to fight the attraction to them, my heart somehow overruled, and I became enthralled with these icons, as so many generations of gay men before me had done. What is it about these women that makes for such positive role models for gay men?

I think within all gay men is a desire to be beautiful. I don't mean in the purely physical sense (though, God knows, gay men have an almost obsessive need to be outwardly beautiful). I mean beauty in all it's forms. I think all gay boys -- growing up to be gay men -- have desire to have someone really see who they are, to accept them, unconditionally, for the beautiful creatures they are. We want to be recognized for our inner strength -- the fortitude for standing tall when everyone is making fun of us, ridiculing us, abusing us, or telling us we're wrong, worthless or going to hell. We want someone to see our humor -- our ability to laugh at not only ourselves, but at the small absurdities that make life delicious. We want someone to accept the desire that we have to be loved -- truly loved -- by someone that just happens to be of the same gender. We want someone to see our vulnerability, tears, weaknesses, successes, hurts, anger, spunk, giddiness, loyalty, romanticism, sensuousness, and affection. We want someone to see that light in our eyes that says. "I am what I am." We want someone to see our...beauty.

I think it is the characteristics that we want others to see in us that draws us to these women who seem to embody all that we want to be. If you look at any gay icon, you will see someone who has led a life that parallels that of a gay man -- self-awareness, self-doubt, success, criticism, standing tall in the face of adversity. These icons are deeply sure of themselves, their abilities, and of who they are, even when everyone around them is telling them to give up, or that they will fail, or that they are not as relevant as others around them. These icons die many figurative deaths, but they persevere. They are unflinching when they need to be, tender when they know to be, and invisible when they have to be. But regardless of what happens, these icons retain their dignity and their strength, and they radiate a light of self-assurance. They are...beautiful.

I cannot speak for all gay men, but I know that I do have the desire to have others see my beauty. I know who I am, what makes me the person that I am, and what it took to get me this far. I know that I have the ability to make others laugh. I have the ability to cry at the smallest thing that touches my heart. I can be outrageous, sensitive, smitten, and carefree. I can be strong, yet insecure. I can hold a friend who needs to be comforted, and can sink into anothers arms when I need to be embraced. I can fight when I need to, and I can back down when I am wrong. I have an unlimited capacity for love. And I can have my heart broken. All of these things make me beautiful. And I desire to have it be recognized. I want the world see all that I embody. I think it is this same desire that I share with other gay men.

We live vicariously through these amazing women, these icons, these beautiful creatures that speak for -- and through -- us. It is their beauty that we see in ourselves. It is our beauty that we see in them...

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The music that completes today's look is: whatever song makes you feel beautiful. Play it, listen to it, embrace it, feel beautiful.

Pussy?

Sometimes I think I'm a pussy. Whether it be innate cowardice, years of emotional baggage, prior whacks to my self-esteem, or just nature, I cannot bring myself to go up and introduce myself to someone that I am interested in. I see a person across a room, often staring or smiling at me, and I just can't make a move. For years I have carried secret crushes on people and have been unable to start a conversation.

Even as I write this -- and the inspiration for today's blog -- I am sitting in Starbucks pining away for two guys. One, I have wanted to meet for at least ten years. The other, a more recent crush -- only the past four months. I should go up and introduce myself, but can't. Pathetic, huh?

I always describe myself as shy. This makes those that know me absolutely guffaw, as I am known to be a very outgoing, open, entertaining person. But when it comes to that initial contact, I clam up. Once someone talks to me, I am completely open and can carry on a conversation with the best of them. But unless someone else approaches me first, it just won't happen. Probably explains my dating life -- or lack thereof...

So what is the root of this inability to approach others? I think it could be traced back to a multitude of hurts and disappointments in my life. Could it be the abandonment I felt when my father disappeared from my life at age three? Never having a male role model to teach me confidence, strength, and go-gettedness I'm sure took its toll. I certainly wish I could've had the confidence my father was known for. He was a tall, masculine, good looking man who, from everything I've heard, could have any woman he wanted -- and basically did...

Could my apprehension come from the sexual abuse I suffered in my early teen years at the hands of a Catholic priest? Certainly my trust issues stem from the abuse -- hard to be a gay man when you have trouble trusting men. Certainly my ego was bruised, and my sense of self was destroyed during the years of secrets and hiding in the aftermath...

I wonder if it could be due to the basic insecurity I felt as a closeted gay boy in high school in a small South Carolina town. Unable to ever approach anyone for fear of being ridiculed, ostracized, outed or beaten, I lived a lonely existence in high school, almost reclusive, with only a few good friends. This pattern has extended into my adult life, as I have rarely had more than a few close knit friends, not wanting to cast the net of trust too wide.

It could be the hurt I've experienced at the hands of past boyfriends who decided, for one reason or another, that just having me was not enough and strayed into the arms of other men. This has certainly made me wary of relationships and, of course, only adds to the caution I give before extending trust.

Clearly I have good reason for not putting myself out there. But why can't I get over it? Friends say, "What's the worst thing that could happen? That someone rejects you?" Ummm...yeah. That's a pretty significant result in my book. Some people can let rejection roll off of them. My skin is too thin. Rejection seeps in and stirs around my body and mind, staying around a bit too long before rolling off.

So, what do I do? Just wait for other people to approach me? Do I try and go outside of my comfort zone and take the chance on acceptance/rejection? Could it be that easy, to let go of all of the past baggage and just allow myself to move forward? It sounds good in theory, but the reality is much more difficult. Maybe I should make a silent vow to approach the next guy that I find attractive... Maybe I should think of it as a work in progress and continue to work on the issues that have lingered from my past. Maybe I should accept that this is just a part of me and accept myself as I am, unable to make the initial reach out to another man...

UPDATE: Apparently writing this blog entry has been cathartic in some way. While I was writing, a very cute man walked by the window at Starbucks, headed to the gym. We exchanged glances. I've seen him before and wanted to say hello, but, well... So, I look up a few minutes ago and he was in Starbucks. Again we exchanged glances. He got his drink and sat not too far from me. After quite a few more glances and some smiles, I decided to myself, "You know what? You cannot let this happen again and let this one get away without even speaking." So I did. I struck up a conversation, and we chatted for a while until Starbucks closed. Walking out to our cars I asked if he'd like to go out. He said "Yes." I got his number and am, at this moment, on cloud nine.

Maybe all I needed was to challenge myself to break an old pattern. Time will tell. Looks like I'm off to a good start!

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The music that completes today's look is "I Remember You" by Eurythmics.

An Early Letter to Santa

I just returned from seeing a movie at the theater at Atlantic Station, here in Atlanta. Pulling into Atlantic Station, I noticed Christmas lights in all of the trees, red and white lighted snowflakes draped delicately across each street...

These holiday decorations were not here last weekend, so I became perplexed. It's too early for "Christmas in July." Were they filming a holiday movie here? I briefly pondered over other possible reasons. Then, without my knowing, my mind just drifted and accepted the fact that the decorations were there. I found myself smiling at the beauty of the lights, backed by the Atlanta skyline, the full moon -- the one that's been looming around for the past few days -- hanging in the crisp night sky. It was like Christmas all over again...

I came home after the movie, checked my email, and logged into Facebook. I had received one of the myriad of questionnaires that get sent out by friends. This one was titled "My Personal Bucket List," a random list of things to do and places to visit. You are supposed to check the ones that pertain to you, and forward it on to other friends. Reading the list made me think of things that I've done and things that I want to do. It made me think about what I want to eventually come my way. It made me think about love, and what I am missing in that area. So, I thought it might be time to write an early letter to Santa.

"Dear Santa,

So much has happened in the last few years. I have been lost, afraid, endeared, lonely, alone, ecstatic, content, independent, elated and reborn. I have run a gamut of experiences and emotions, and am ready to find my center, find my happiness, find myself, and find my soulmate. I am actively working on the first three and am making great strides, but it is the last one Santa that I need your help with. I have always said that I think that people do not find what they truly want in a relationship because they do not know what they want. They do not allow themselves to think about what they want, accept what they want, and voice what they want. So, I am taking that step to say what it is that I want and am hoping to find in a mate...

I want someone who loves me. Truly, unconditionally, and wholeheartedly, loves me. But this love does not overshadow our own selves. We come together as two separate, happy, well adjusted, whole people, who form a life together, but never lose who we are as individuals.

I want someone who wants to see me every minute of the day, but is able to function without me -- goes to work, to the gym, hangs with friends, spends time alone, betters himself, but then comes home to me. I want this man to want the same for me.

I want someone who laughs at my stories and jokes, and never gets tired of listening to me talk, even if they've heard the story before.

I want to be heard.

I want someone to hold me, just because. To hold my hand while we're watching TV, kiss my belly button, and caress my skin. I want to catch him looking deep into my eyes in a way that I know that he is looking only at me. I want him to kiss me in public, and to be happy enough that he is with me that he wants the world to know it.

I want someone who can just chill at home, watching TV, cooking a meal, talking to each other, or just being quiet together. He should be able to dress up for a night on the town, or dress down for a casual weekend outdoors, housework, shopping, or...nothing.

I want someone who wants me...desires me. Someone who loves to look at and caress my body, imperfections and all. I want to be made to feel sexy...

I want someone to make me want to be a better person, someone who goes out of their way to treat others well, and lends a helping hand when there is a need. Someone who does things for the betterment of the world, without caring if anyone ever sees them doing it.

I want someone who never holds me back from attaining the goals that I have in life, wanting, instead, to share them with me.

I want someone who wants me to be me, whomever I decide that "me" should be.

He should want to meet my family and friends, and should accept that they are a part of my life, and share in the joy that they bring to me.

He should not play games, not have an over inflated ego, and should have a nice sense of humor. He should be honest and monogamous. He should be confident and accepting of himself, flaws and all. He should be himself and not camouflage any part of himself in the desire to hide things he might think others would judge or disapprove of. He should know who he is and what he wants out of life.

He should want to build a life for the two of us where love and warmth abound, where there is always room for both the collective "us" and the independent "us."

I want someone who wants me to love him.

And, I want someone who wants all of these things for himself.

I have a lot to offer someone Santa, as I'm sure you know. I am a good, kind, witty, romantic person, who is full of life and loves to make others smile. I am talented, and have defined goals and pursuits that I want to achieve. I just need your help, Santa, in putting these thoughts out to the universe, so that it can align the stars to help me meet my Mr. Right, whether it be be next week, next year, or even someone that I have already met.

I know you can do it, Santa. I have faith. I will work on making myself ready for Mr. Right when he comes. You just work on helping him to find me.

Thanks for your help.

Sincerely,

Me"

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The music that completes today's look is "Say You Love Me" by Jennifer Holliday.

Out of the Cocoon

I have never really had a lot of friends.

Due to various trust issues with past friends, lovers, and family, I have always chosen to have one or two really close, good friends. I have not previously strayed into the arena of having a large group of friends, never affording myself the luxury of opening myself up to the possibility of finding more than a few good people that could positively impact my life.

My ex of 12 years and I were in a virtual cocoon. We really became everything to each other. While in some respects that is good, it created a world where we relied on each other for laughter, entertainment, love and acceptance. It left no room for outside interests, opposing viewpoints, personal growth, or camaraderie from anyone other than each other. Of course, as the relationship began to unravel, the acceptance and self-esteem fell by the wayside, and there was no one to help recreate that self-image that I once had. When the relationship ended last year, I found that I had no idea who I was as a person. I didn't know the simplest things, like what hobbies I enjoyed. I has lost my sense of self. I had lost my self-esteem. I was missing the feeling that I was wanted. I also found myself without my best friend, and quite without but a few others.

Over the past few months I have been re-discovering myself and who I am as a person. I have opened myself up with a new credo of "I have to trust you unless you give me a reason not to." I have spent so much energy in the past consciously -- and unconsciously -- worrying about whether it was safe to open myself up and allow others to get to know me, to accept me, and to love me for me. Allowing that wall of unsurety to come down and just accept other people into my life has been an amazing growth experience.

I am a firm believer that everyone enters our lives for a reason. It can be something so simple as just to make us smile. Or it can be to stroke our ego. It can be to make us feel funny, or talented, intelligent, or sexy. It has amazed me lately how much new friends have changed my life and my perception of who I am. I have been lucky enough to meet some wonderful people...

I have a friend who could be my intellectual, emotional, verbal, and humor twin. Through this sameness I have come to appreciate how I appear to others. This has given me acceptance of myself and what I have to offer to those around me.

I have a friend that I can chat with for hours about everything and nothing. Through him I have learned to slow down in a moment and appreciate it for it's beauty.

Another friend has opened my eyes to a world of sexual acceptance and understanding. Through him I understand that I am a sexual being and that it is alright to accept the needs and wants that I have, and it is healthy to pursue them.

I have a friend that needs me. He has made me realize that I have something to offer to someone else that can help them heal and grow.

Yet another friend is the complete opposite of what I expect a gay man to be. It has broadened my thinking that being gay is so much more than sexuality. It is about just being yourself and allowing others to see who you really are and to not even think about who you are in the moment -- to just be.

And another new friend gives me positive feedback on my writing, showing me that my dream of being a writer might someday be more than just a dream.

There are others that have made just as significant an impact in my life. These new friends are -- without knowing it -- helping me to discover who I am as a person, outside the cocoon I was hiding in for the past decade. They are challenging me to become myself, accept myself, improve myself, and love myself. Through them I have been able to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I have simply dreamed of for my whole life. It is a far cry from where I was 6 months ago. I am not even close to the person that I assumed I am -- I am so much more. I can only imagine where the journey will take me as I cement the relationships I have now, and make new ones along the way.

Like the old song says, "You gotta have friends..." I have come to understand the value and truth in that statement. Luckily, I've got friends.

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The music that completes today's look is "A Thousand Beautiful Things" by Annie Lennox.

Camouflage

I wanted to share the lyrics to a wonderful song that I just can't stop playing. It's for all of us who accept that we have flaws, but are not willing to compromise who we are for someone else. It is called "Camouflage" and is from Brandy's new CD "Human." I have included a link to listen to the song. It's really beautiful.

http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#brandy%20camouflage

Camouflage

I'm a work in progress
I'm a seed growing into a flower
I'm a storm that's rising
And getting stronger with every hour
And god knows i ain't perfect
Tell me who in the world is
All i know is that i'm searching
For somebody to love me with

These flaws I've got
They're all a part of who i am
Take me or not
But i finally understand
And I'm so done trying to be everything you want
I had to stop
'Cause baby you ain't worth it
If I've got to camouflage
For love, for love
No i won't camouflage
For love, for love
No I won't camouflage
For love, for love
I won't camouflage

I need a lot of improvement
Not even half way to destiny
But i'm a train that's moving
And everyday i'm picking up speed
And God knows you ain't perfect
So who are you to put pressure on me?
That's why i'm still searching
For somebody to love me with

These flaws I've got
There all a part of who i am
Take me or not
But i finally understand
And I'm so done trying to be everything you want
I had to stop
'Cause baby you ain't worth it
If I've got to camouflage
For love, for love
No i won't camouflage
For love, for love
No I won't camouflage
For love, For love
I won't camouflage

I've learned from my mistakes
The only way you're gonna be happy
Is if someone's down to take you
When it's good and when it's bad you see
I tried giving half of me
In then end I came up empty
And that's why i'm searching
For somebody to love me with these flaws

These flaws I've got
There all a part of who i am
Take me or not
But i finally understand
And I'm so done trying to be everything you want
I had to stop
'Cause baby you ain't worth it
If I've got to camouflage
For love, for love
No i won't camouflage
For love, for love
No I won't camouflage
For love, for love
I won't camouflage

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The music that completes today's look is...D'uh (see above). LOL!

What Becomes a Man

I never had anyone to show me how to be a man.

My parents divorced when I was three years old. I only saw my father once after the divorce, when I was eight. I heard from him only once after that, at twenty-seven. I grew up never really missing having a father. I have always credited my mother with doing a superb job raising me so that I never really needed a father. I don't think I ever gave any thought to the fact that there was a presence missing from my life, an influence that should've been there, but for whatever reason, was not.

The first time I ever missed having a father was when I went away to college. I can remember my first night, in my dorm, crying to my new roommate, adrift because I had no idea how to act like a man. I was surrounded by a campus full of other men who, I assumed, had a fatherly influence and took away from that how to walk, talk, act, and be like a man. I was missing that experience. I felt lost. Not knowing how to act like a man is hard. Not knowing how to act like a man when you are gay is overwhelming. I struggled through, burying the fear and unknown -- as I had done with so many things in my young life -- until it was accepted and not thought about again. Until now...

So, here I am today, a 42 year old man. I know that I am a man. Everthing in my consciousness tells me that I am a man. But how did I get here? How did I become a man? What makes a man a man? Is it having reached the age of twenty-one? Is it having responsibility, a job, bills, others who depend on him? Is it self-awareness? Is it knowing that you are drastically different than the opposite sex? Or is it simply the basic biology of a male homo sapien - facial hair, chest hair, rugged features, a penis..? For me, up to now, I have just been accepting that I was a man because that's what I was told I am. I have never stopped to think about what exactly has made me a man, what has made me the man I am today.

I have recently begun a journey of self-awareness. I have been trying to discover who I am as a person. What activities do I enjoy? What do I require in those I call "friend?" Accepting the body that I have. Being able to admire what I see in the mirror. How I express myself as a person -- vocally, in writing, and in what is unspoken. Becoming comfortable in my own sexual skin, accepting what gives me pleasure, and allowing myself to ask for what I want to make me feel good. Knowing that I can stimulate a partner, mentally, physically, sexually. In this journey I am becoming to understand what makes this man a man.

This is what I know:

I have my beliefs. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that karma exists. I belive that good can be found in everyone and in every situation, sometimes you just have to look closely to find it. I believe that there is may be a higher power, though I do not belive it was the one I was raised to believe in.

I have my needs. I need to be heard. I need to make a positive change in this world, no matter how small in may be. I need the company of friends, friends who accept me unconditionally for what, and who, I am. I need to accept myself, flaws and all. I need to keep close the traumatic things that have happened to me in life, because I now understand that without them I would not be who I am today. I need to feel wanted.

I have my desires. I desire to leave this world having made an impact that will be remembered. I desire to make a living as a writer. I desire to be the type of person who can go to the closet, pull out anything, put it on and leave the house feeling comfortable that I look good. I desire to have the self-acceptance and sense of self to not worry about what others think of me. I desire a partner that loves me unconditionally, allowing me to be my own person, but wanting me with him whenever possible. I desire to be asked for my autograph. I desire the winning lottery ticket (LOL!). I desire... to be desired.

I know that these things make me human. Do they make me a man? Well, these things are me, and I am a man. So, in part, yes. But I think that becoming, and being, a man is an ever-changing experience. What makes me a man today may make me more -- or less -- of a man tomorrow. The trick is discovering what it is in myself and my life that makes me the man I am, and how I can alter those things to make me a better man, and the man I want, and need, to be.

I have an idea of who this man is and who I need, and desire, him to be. As my journey of self-discovery progresses I hope to understand why I went through life without that male influence that could've made becoming a man easier. But as I stated earlier, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe if I had had a father, I would never have had the opportunity I have now -- to discover myself and who I am. Maybe I would've been just as adrift having become a man the "traditional" way. Maybe I would still be questioning what makes a man a man.

All I can do now is take a deep breath and accept what I know this man to be. Then exhale and become the man I will be tomorrow...

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The music that completes today's look: "Wild Is The Wind" by Nina Simone.