Disconnected

I am exactly one and a half blocks from civilization.

I am in Iowa this week on business, and am working at a site that is far out into the country. Upon arriving at the site the first day I was shocked to find that my cellphone displayed an unusual message, "No Network Available." Surely I was misreading. Had I gone mad? Had my cell phone provider gone bankrupt? Was there a terrorist attack on the local cell phone tower? I mentioned this to one of the employees of the site and she asked what provider I had. I told her I had AT&T. She said, "Oh no. We're not sophisticated enough way out here to get a big company like that." What?!?

At first, there was the uneasiness: I wouldn't be able to get calls or texts during the day. "Okay, that's cool," I said to myself, "I'll be working all day anyway." Then I started to get a little worried, somewhat panicky. What if someone needed to get hold of me? What if I was having a bad day and needed to text my frustration to a friend? What if the call from that certain someone (you know who you are) didn't come through? I had to face the fact that for four days I would be be disconnected to the world as I know it.

The second morning, I was driving to the site, on a long country road, in the snow, texting away to the aforementioned certain someone. I had texted that I was probably going to lose my cellphone service soon, so if I suddenly didn't respond, that was why. I was amazed that I still had service the closer and closer I got. I was a mile away - still had it. Half a mile away - still texting successfully. Three blocks away - Yes! Could it be that yesterday was a fluke? Was the employee wrong? Then, a block and a half away from my destination, there it was -- "No Network Available." I was officially one and a half blocks from civilization...

This made me think about the dependence to technology to which I have gotten accustomed. Many times I have thought about how nice it would be to just move out to the country where you could be disconnected from the hustle, the bustle, and the bombardment of stimulation from television, the Internet, phones, and radio -- having the ability to take a deep breath and enjoy the silence. But now, here I was worried that I would not be connected to the outside world for eight hour periods, eight hours that I was, for all intents and purposes, going to be otherwise engaged. It's not like I was in a bubble. I was working side-by-side with human beings, several of whom were quite witty and kept me entertained. But here I was fretting about being disconnected from MY world. How did I get to this point..?

There was a time, just a few years ago in fact, that I did not even own a cellphone. I talked to friends only during times when I would be available to be home in order to call them and chat. Then I starting travelling for work, and felt the necessity to have a cellphone, mainly due to the exorbitant cost of calling long distance from a hotel phone. For the first year or so, I only used my phone to call home when I was out of town. Then, I would use it every occasionally when I was in town, calling home from the grocery store to see if I should buy anything specific for dinner. Slowly and steadily, without my being aware, I began using the cellphone more often, and more randomly. I got to a point where it was just part of my life. I even upgraded to a better phone, and signed up for a better plan when I renewed my cellphone service. I now take my phone most places and enjoy the convenience of being able to reach someone, or be reached, anytime that the mood strikes. The phone keeps me connected. I enjoy texting with friends, oftentimes due to the fact that I talk for eight hours a day at work, so being able to communicate to someone across town without having to talk is heaven.

So, where does this bring me? Well, I think this foray into "radio silence" has made me realize three things: 1) survival without a cellphone is possible. I won't shrivel away and disappear if I can't contact family and friends for a day; 2) I won't be forgotten. I needn't worry that I can't get -- or make -- a call or text from friends for a day. We'll talk later. They'll understand. Eight hours does not a friendship break; and 3) I need to work on spending more face-to-face time with friends. In a hectic, agenda filled life, it is so easy to stay connected through a cellphone. But that in-person connection is missing -- seeing a persons face react to your words, seeing their smile, their gestures, their eyes. Feeling their presence close to you. That is what keeps friendships and relationships strong and lasting. I am going to make and effort to meet my friends more often and to further the connection that we have. Of course, I'll need to call or text them to make plans. LOL!

Not having cell phone service this week made me realize the value of human connection. I hope to build greater connections with those I hold dear in my life. If anyone is interested in getting together, CALL ME!

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The music that completes today's look is "Do You Have A Little Time" by Dido.

Out of the Cocoon

I have never really had a lot of friends.

Due to various trust issues with past friends, lovers, and family, I have always chosen to have one or two really close, good friends. I have not previously strayed into the arena of having a large group of friends, never affording myself the luxury of opening myself up to the possibility of finding more than a few good people that could positively impact my life.

My ex of 12 years and I were in a virtual cocoon. We really became everything to each other. While in some respects that is good, it created a world where we relied on each other for laughter, entertainment, love and acceptance. It left no room for outside interests, opposing viewpoints, personal growth, or camaraderie from anyone other than each other. Of course, as the relationship began to unravel, the acceptance and self-esteem fell by the wayside, and there was no one to help recreate that self-image that I once had. When the relationship ended last year, I found that I had no idea who I was as a person. I didn't know the simplest things, like what hobbies I enjoyed. I has lost my sense of self. I had lost my self-esteem. I was missing the feeling that I was wanted. I also found myself without my best friend, and quite without but a few others.

Over the past few months I have been re-discovering myself and who I am as a person. I have opened myself up with a new credo of "I have to trust you unless you give me a reason not to." I have spent so much energy in the past consciously -- and unconsciously -- worrying about whether it was safe to open myself up and allow others to get to know me, to accept me, and to love me for me. Allowing that wall of unsurety to come down and just accept other people into my life has been an amazing growth experience.

I am a firm believer that everyone enters our lives for a reason. It can be something so simple as just to make us smile. Or it can be to stroke our ego. It can be to make us feel funny, or talented, intelligent, or sexy. It has amazed me lately how much new friends have changed my life and my perception of who I am. I have been lucky enough to meet some wonderful people...

I have a friend who could be my intellectual, emotional, verbal, and humor twin. Through this sameness I have come to appreciate how I appear to others. This has given me acceptance of myself and what I have to offer to those around me.

I have a friend that I can chat with for hours about everything and nothing. Through him I have learned to slow down in a moment and appreciate it for it's beauty.

Another friend has opened my eyes to a world of sexual acceptance and understanding. Through him I understand that I am a sexual being and that it is alright to accept the needs and wants that I have, and it is healthy to pursue them.

I have a friend that needs me. He has made me realize that I have something to offer to someone else that can help them heal and grow.

Yet another friend is the complete opposite of what I expect a gay man to be. It has broadened my thinking that being gay is so much more than sexuality. It is about just being yourself and allowing others to see who you really are and to not even think about who you are in the moment -- to just be.

And another new friend gives me positive feedback on my writing, showing me that my dream of being a writer might someday be more than just a dream.

There are others that have made just as significant an impact in my life. These new friends are -- without knowing it -- helping me to discover who I am as a person, outside the cocoon I was hiding in for the past decade. They are challenging me to become myself, accept myself, improve myself, and love myself. Through them I have been able to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I have simply dreamed of for my whole life. It is a far cry from where I was 6 months ago. I am not even close to the person that I assumed I am -- I am so much more. I can only imagine where the journey will take me as I cement the relationships I have now, and make new ones along the way.

Like the old song says, "You gotta have friends..." I have come to understand the value and truth in that statement. Luckily, I've got friends.

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The music that completes today's look is "A Thousand Beautiful Things" by Annie Lennox.

Judged...?

I find it odd that I chose a Monday to write my very first blog posting. Monday's have been difficult lately, as I seem to be in an anti-sleep fog throughout the entire morning. I think the busy work and social schedule I have created for myself lately culminates in a sleep-deprived Sunday night. Upon waking on Mondays, I feel like I just need more rest. I try various things to shock me out of my haze -- water, caffeine, exercise, but none of it seems to help. I'd try blaming the cycles of the moon, but I don't think that would hold much water, as it happens every Monday, and I'm sure the moon has better things to do with it's cycles on Sunday nights than to keep me from sleeping.

Knowing this, of course, I should've thought to myself, "You know you're not your best on Mondays, so create your blog tomorrow." But I have been putting this off for a while, wanting to make sure that my first blog entry was witty, somewhat deep, and made a thought-provoking point. Not sure if I'll succeed, but we'll see.

I think my unrest last night was due to a thought that kept rattling around my mind: Why do we, as friends, judge the people that our friends date by our own standards and prejudices? And why do we allow ourselves to worry what people will think of the people we go out with?

I went out on a date with a young man last night that I typically would not consider "my type." Now, I put "my type" in quotation marks, because these days, I'm not really sure I have a type as I once did. This guy is very cute, and very sweet. He is, upon his own admission, a geeky guy. Geekiness is new territory for me. I have never gone out with someone who is as ultra-intelligent and eloquent as this guy is. He plays online games, has a love of advanced mathematics, and actually learns new topics, subjects, and theories because they're fun -- not because he has to. He is very thin, wears glasses, and looks like a teenager (and though that might seem like a perk to some, again not something I typically look for). Yet, even though this was not the typical guy I would see myself going out with, there was a connection, and an attraction there for both of us. So, we had dinner together.

We went to a restaurant that was recommended by a friend. When we walked in, lo and behold, the friend that had recommended the restaurant was there with two other mutual friends. I guess the suggestion of the restaurant put it in his mind, so we all ended up, quite by chance in the same place. All throughout dinner, I found myself wondering what my friends were thinking about my date. I kept imagining what they would be saying. Were they judging? Did they think he was cute? Did they like his smile? Did they think he was good enough? Would they approve?

Now what bothered me was the fact that these things were running through my mind. My friends had not given any indication that they did not approve. There was no judgement, as far as I could tell. As a matter of fact, I have not even talked to them today to get any reading at all. For all I know, they had dinner, left, and never thought about my date at all. But yet it bothered me that I even had these thoughts. Maybe it was an internal judgement. Maybe these were the questions I was subconsciously needing to ask myself. Still, I wondered all night if I was being judged and why it mattered what someone else thinks about who I date...?

It seems that we, as a society, are always judging, and allowing ourselves to be judged. We all make catty remarks about what someone is wearing, how their hair looks, what they drive, or how they talk. And yes, we comment on who they date. So why does it matter? If a friend finds someone that they have a connection with, that they are attracted to, would we not want them to explore and be happy? Why do we project our own ratings, standards, and prejudices on other peoples' lives? If that person is content with their choice, why do we feel a need to break that choice down, or point out -- in whatever method we choose -- that their choice was less than acceptable?

Conversely, why does it matter so much what other people think about us? It seems our sense of self hinges on the acceptance of others. Why do we need someone else's approval of who we are, how we live our lives, and the choices that we make. The more pertinent question here is why do I need that approval..?

So, therein lies the probable reason for my lack of sleep: wrestling with the question of why I allow myself to care if I am judged by others. I guess I really can't help it if I am judged by others, but why does it matter to me if I am. What would the outcome be -- changing myself to be something I am not to please other people? If a friend is judging me, are they really my friend..? What would drive them to feel the need to judge my decisions about life, attraction, and love? Is it their own insecurities? Are they jealous? Do they have a need to be accepted, or to make themselves feel better about themselves by tearing others down? It makes me think about the judging that I do and why I do it. Insecurity? Jealousy? A need for acceptance? I think it may be another restless night tonight as I continue to ponder...

So, maybe my belated New Year's resolution (since I haven't made any yet) should be to try and not care what people think of me. To be my own judge. Live for myself, and know that all of my choices are mine and mine alone, and that no one is going to take responsibility for them but me. Easier said than done, I know, but a goal all the same.


So there you have it, my first blog entry. Hopefully there was wit in there somewhere. Hopefully the subject required a bit of deep introspective thought on your part, if only for a moment. Hopefully you weren't bored senseless. Hopefully you'll be back to read more. Wait, why do I care? Stop judging me!! LOL!

That was my Monday. Wonder what tomorrow will have in store...?