Pussy?

Sometimes I think I'm a pussy. Whether it be innate cowardice, years of emotional baggage, prior whacks to my self-esteem, or just nature, I cannot bring myself to go up and introduce myself to someone that I am interested in. I see a person across a room, often staring or smiling at me, and I just can't make a move. For years I have carried secret crushes on people and have been unable to start a conversation.

Even as I write this -- and the inspiration for today's blog -- I am sitting in Starbucks pining away for two guys. One, I have wanted to meet for at least ten years. The other, a more recent crush -- only the past four months. I should go up and introduce myself, but can't. Pathetic, huh?

I always describe myself as shy. This makes those that know me absolutely guffaw, as I am known to be a very outgoing, open, entertaining person. But when it comes to that initial contact, I clam up. Once someone talks to me, I am completely open and can carry on a conversation with the best of them. But unless someone else approaches me first, it just won't happen. Probably explains my dating life -- or lack thereof...

So what is the root of this inability to approach others? I think it could be traced back to a multitude of hurts and disappointments in my life. Could it be the abandonment I felt when my father disappeared from my life at age three? Never having a male role model to teach me confidence, strength, and go-gettedness I'm sure took its toll. I certainly wish I could've had the confidence my father was known for. He was a tall, masculine, good looking man who, from everything I've heard, could have any woman he wanted -- and basically did...

Could my apprehension come from the sexual abuse I suffered in my early teen years at the hands of a Catholic priest? Certainly my trust issues stem from the abuse -- hard to be a gay man when you have trouble trusting men. Certainly my ego was bruised, and my sense of self was destroyed during the years of secrets and hiding in the aftermath...

I wonder if it could be due to the basic insecurity I felt as a closeted gay boy in high school in a small South Carolina town. Unable to ever approach anyone for fear of being ridiculed, ostracized, outed or beaten, I lived a lonely existence in high school, almost reclusive, with only a few good friends. This pattern has extended into my adult life, as I have rarely had more than a few close knit friends, not wanting to cast the net of trust too wide.

It could be the hurt I've experienced at the hands of past boyfriends who decided, for one reason or another, that just having me was not enough and strayed into the arms of other men. This has certainly made me wary of relationships and, of course, only adds to the caution I give before extending trust.

Clearly I have good reason for not putting myself out there. But why can't I get over it? Friends say, "What's the worst thing that could happen? That someone rejects you?" Ummm...yeah. That's a pretty significant result in my book. Some people can let rejection roll off of them. My skin is too thin. Rejection seeps in and stirs around my body and mind, staying around a bit too long before rolling off.

So, what do I do? Just wait for other people to approach me? Do I try and go outside of my comfort zone and take the chance on acceptance/rejection? Could it be that easy, to let go of all of the past baggage and just allow myself to move forward? It sounds good in theory, but the reality is much more difficult. Maybe I should make a silent vow to approach the next guy that I find attractive... Maybe I should think of it as a work in progress and continue to work on the issues that have lingered from my past. Maybe I should accept that this is just a part of me and accept myself as I am, unable to make the initial reach out to another man...

UPDATE: Apparently writing this blog entry has been cathartic in some way. While I was writing, a very cute man walked by the window at Starbucks, headed to the gym. We exchanged glances. I've seen him before and wanted to say hello, but, well... So, I look up a few minutes ago and he was in Starbucks. Again we exchanged glances. He got his drink and sat not too far from me. After quite a few more glances and some smiles, I decided to myself, "You know what? You cannot let this happen again and let this one get away without even speaking." So I did. I struck up a conversation, and we chatted for a while until Starbucks closed. Walking out to our cars I asked if he'd like to go out. He said "Yes." I got his number and am, at this moment, on cloud nine.

Maybe all I needed was to challenge myself to break an old pattern. Time will tell. Looks like I'm off to a good start!

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The music that completes today's look is "I Remember You" by Eurythmics.

Out of the Cocoon

I have never really had a lot of friends.

Due to various trust issues with past friends, lovers, and family, I have always chosen to have one or two really close, good friends. I have not previously strayed into the arena of having a large group of friends, never affording myself the luxury of opening myself up to the possibility of finding more than a few good people that could positively impact my life.

My ex of 12 years and I were in a virtual cocoon. We really became everything to each other. While in some respects that is good, it created a world where we relied on each other for laughter, entertainment, love and acceptance. It left no room for outside interests, opposing viewpoints, personal growth, or camaraderie from anyone other than each other. Of course, as the relationship began to unravel, the acceptance and self-esteem fell by the wayside, and there was no one to help recreate that self-image that I once had. When the relationship ended last year, I found that I had no idea who I was as a person. I didn't know the simplest things, like what hobbies I enjoyed. I has lost my sense of self. I had lost my self-esteem. I was missing the feeling that I was wanted. I also found myself without my best friend, and quite without but a few others.

Over the past few months I have been re-discovering myself and who I am as a person. I have opened myself up with a new credo of "I have to trust you unless you give me a reason not to." I have spent so much energy in the past consciously -- and unconsciously -- worrying about whether it was safe to open myself up and allow others to get to know me, to accept me, and to love me for me. Allowing that wall of unsurety to come down and just accept other people into my life has been an amazing growth experience.

I am a firm believer that everyone enters our lives for a reason. It can be something so simple as just to make us smile. Or it can be to stroke our ego. It can be to make us feel funny, or talented, intelligent, or sexy. It has amazed me lately how much new friends have changed my life and my perception of who I am. I have been lucky enough to meet some wonderful people...

I have a friend who could be my intellectual, emotional, verbal, and humor twin. Through this sameness I have come to appreciate how I appear to others. This has given me acceptance of myself and what I have to offer to those around me.

I have a friend that I can chat with for hours about everything and nothing. Through him I have learned to slow down in a moment and appreciate it for it's beauty.

Another friend has opened my eyes to a world of sexual acceptance and understanding. Through him I understand that I am a sexual being and that it is alright to accept the needs and wants that I have, and it is healthy to pursue them.

I have a friend that needs me. He has made me realize that I have something to offer to someone else that can help them heal and grow.

Yet another friend is the complete opposite of what I expect a gay man to be. It has broadened my thinking that being gay is so much more than sexuality. It is about just being yourself and allowing others to see who you really are and to not even think about who you are in the moment -- to just be.

And another new friend gives me positive feedback on my writing, showing me that my dream of being a writer might someday be more than just a dream.

There are others that have made just as significant an impact in my life. These new friends are -- without knowing it -- helping me to discover who I am as a person, outside the cocoon I was hiding in for the past decade. They are challenging me to become myself, accept myself, improve myself, and love myself. Through them I have been able to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I have simply dreamed of for my whole life. It is a far cry from where I was 6 months ago. I am not even close to the person that I assumed I am -- I am so much more. I can only imagine where the journey will take me as I cement the relationships I have now, and make new ones along the way.

Like the old song says, "You gotta have friends..." I have come to understand the value and truth in that statement. Luckily, I've got friends.

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The music that completes today's look is "A Thousand Beautiful Things" by Annie Lennox.