An Early Letter to Santa

I just returned from seeing a movie at the theater at Atlantic Station, here in Atlanta. Pulling into Atlantic Station, I noticed Christmas lights in all of the trees, red and white lighted snowflakes draped delicately across each street...

These holiday decorations were not here last weekend, so I became perplexed. It's too early for "Christmas in July." Were they filming a holiday movie here? I briefly pondered over other possible reasons. Then, without my knowing, my mind just drifted and accepted the fact that the decorations were there. I found myself smiling at the beauty of the lights, backed by the Atlanta skyline, the full moon -- the one that's been looming around for the past few days -- hanging in the crisp night sky. It was like Christmas all over again...

I came home after the movie, checked my email, and logged into Facebook. I had received one of the myriad of questionnaires that get sent out by friends. This one was titled "My Personal Bucket List," a random list of things to do and places to visit. You are supposed to check the ones that pertain to you, and forward it on to other friends. Reading the list made me think of things that I've done and things that I want to do. It made me think about what I want to eventually come my way. It made me think about love, and what I am missing in that area. So, I thought it might be time to write an early letter to Santa.

"Dear Santa,

So much has happened in the last few years. I have been lost, afraid, endeared, lonely, alone, ecstatic, content, independent, elated and reborn. I have run a gamut of experiences and emotions, and am ready to find my center, find my happiness, find myself, and find my soulmate. I am actively working on the first three and am making great strides, but it is the last one Santa that I need your help with. I have always said that I think that people do not find what they truly want in a relationship because they do not know what they want. They do not allow themselves to think about what they want, accept what they want, and voice what they want. So, I am taking that step to say what it is that I want and am hoping to find in a mate...

I want someone who loves me. Truly, unconditionally, and wholeheartedly, loves me. But this love does not overshadow our own selves. We come together as two separate, happy, well adjusted, whole people, who form a life together, but never lose who we are as individuals.

I want someone who wants to see me every minute of the day, but is able to function without me -- goes to work, to the gym, hangs with friends, spends time alone, betters himself, but then comes home to me. I want this man to want the same for me.

I want someone who laughs at my stories and jokes, and never gets tired of listening to me talk, even if they've heard the story before.

I want to be heard.

I want someone to hold me, just because. To hold my hand while we're watching TV, kiss my belly button, and caress my skin. I want to catch him looking deep into my eyes in a way that I know that he is looking only at me. I want him to kiss me in public, and to be happy enough that he is with me that he wants the world to know it.

I want someone who can just chill at home, watching TV, cooking a meal, talking to each other, or just being quiet together. He should be able to dress up for a night on the town, or dress down for a casual weekend outdoors, housework, shopping, or...nothing.

I want someone who wants me...desires me. Someone who loves to look at and caress my body, imperfections and all. I want to be made to feel sexy...

I want someone to make me want to be a better person, someone who goes out of their way to treat others well, and lends a helping hand when there is a need. Someone who does things for the betterment of the world, without caring if anyone ever sees them doing it.

I want someone who never holds me back from attaining the goals that I have in life, wanting, instead, to share them with me.

I want someone who wants me to be me, whomever I decide that "me" should be.

He should want to meet my family and friends, and should accept that they are a part of my life, and share in the joy that they bring to me.

He should not play games, not have an over inflated ego, and should have a nice sense of humor. He should be honest and monogamous. He should be confident and accepting of himself, flaws and all. He should be himself and not camouflage any part of himself in the desire to hide things he might think others would judge or disapprove of. He should know who he is and what he wants out of life.

He should want to build a life for the two of us where love and warmth abound, where there is always room for both the collective "us" and the independent "us."

I want someone who wants me to love him.

And, I want someone who wants all of these things for himself.

I have a lot to offer someone Santa, as I'm sure you know. I am a good, kind, witty, romantic person, who is full of life and loves to make others smile. I am talented, and have defined goals and pursuits that I want to achieve. I just need your help, Santa, in putting these thoughts out to the universe, so that it can align the stars to help me meet my Mr. Right, whether it be be next week, next year, or even someone that I have already met.

I know you can do it, Santa. I have faith. I will work on making myself ready for Mr. Right when he comes. You just work on helping him to find me.

Thanks for your help.

Sincerely,

Me"

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The music that completes today's look is "Say You Love Me" by Jennifer Holliday.

What Becomes a Man

I never had anyone to show me how to be a man.

My parents divorced when I was three years old. I only saw my father once after the divorce, when I was eight. I heard from him only once after that, at twenty-seven. I grew up never really missing having a father. I have always credited my mother with doing a superb job raising me so that I never really needed a father. I don't think I ever gave any thought to the fact that there was a presence missing from my life, an influence that should've been there, but for whatever reason, was not.

The first time I ever missed having a father was when I went away to college. I can remember my first night, in my dorm, crying to my new roommate, adrift because I had no idea how to act like a man. I was surrounded by a campus full of other men who, I assumed, had a fatherly influence and took away from that how to walk, talk, act, and be like a man. I was missing that experience. I felt lost. Not knowing how to act like a man is hard. Not knowing how to act like a man when you are gay is overwhelming. I struggled through, burying the fear and unknown -- as I had done with so many things in my young life -- until it was accepted and not thought about again. Until now...

So, here I am today, a 42 year old man. I know that I am a man. Everthing in my consciousness tells me that I am a man. But how did I get here? How did I become a man? What makes a man a man? Is it having reached the age of twenty-one? Is it having responsibility, a job, bills, others who depend on him? Is it self-awareness? Is it knowing that you are drastically different than the opposite sex? Or is it simply the basic biology of a male homo sapien - facial hair, chest hair, rugged features, a penis..? For me, up to now, I have just been accepting that I was a man because that's what I was told I am. I have never stopped to think about what exactly has made me a man, what has made me the man I am today.

I have recently begun a journey of self-awareness. I have been trying to discover who I am as a person. What activities do I enjoy? What do I require in those I call "friend?" Accepting the body that I have. Being able to admire what I see in the mirror. How I express myself as a person -- vocally, in writing, and in what is unspoken. Becoming comfortable in my own sexual skin, accepting what gives me pleasure, and allowing myself to ask for what I want to make me feel good. Knowing that I can stimulate a partner, mentally, physically, sexually. In this journey I am becoming to understand what makes this man a man.

This is what I know:

I have my beliefs. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that karma exists. I belive that good can be found in everyone and in every situation, sometimes you just have to look closely to find it. I believe that there is may be a higher power, though I do not belive it was the one I was raised to believe in.

I have my needs. I need to be heard. I need to make a positive change in this world, no matter how small in may be. I need the company of friends, friends who accept me unconditionally for what, and who, I am. I need to accept myself, flaws and all. I need to keep close the traumatic things that have happened to me in life, because I now understand that without them I would not be who I am today. I need to feel wanted.

I have my desires. I desire to leave this world having made an impact that will be remembered. I desire to make a living as a writer. I desire to be the type of person who can go to the closet, pull out anything, put it on and leave the house feeling comfortable that I look good. I desire to have the self-acceptance and sense of self to not worry about what others think of me. I desire a partner that loves me unconditionally, allowing me to be my own person, but wanting me with him whenever possible. I desire to be asked for my autograph. I desire the winning lottery ticket (LOL!). I desire... to be desired.

I know that these things make me human. Do they make me a man? Well, these things are me, and I am a man. So, in part, yes. But I think that becoming, and being, a man is an ever-changing experience. What makes me a man today may make me more -- or less -- of a man tomorrow. The trick is discovering what it is in myself and my life that makes me the man I am, and how I can alter those things to make me a better man, and the man I want, and need, to be.

I have an idea of who this man is and who I need, and desire, him to be. As my journey of self-discovery progresses I hope to understand why I went through life without that male influence that could've made becoming a man easier. But as I stated earlier, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe if I had had a father, I would never have had the opportunity I have now -- to discover myself and who I am. Maybe I would've been just as adrift having become a man the "traditional" way. Maybe I would still be questioning what makes a man a man.

All I can do now is take a deep breath and accept what I know this man to be. Then exhale and become the man I will be tomorrow...

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The music that completes today's look: "Wild Is The Wind" by Nina Simone.