What Becomes a Man

I never had anyone to show me how to be a man.

My parents divorced when I was three years old. I only saw my father once after the divorce, when I was eight. I heard from him only once after that, at twenty-seven. I grew up never really missing having a father. I have always credited my mother with doing a superb job raising me so that I never really needed a father. I don't think I ever gave any thought to the fact that there was a presence missing from my life, an influence that should've been there, but for whatever reason, was not.

The first time I ever missed having a father was when I went away to college. I can remember my first night, in my dorm, crying to my new roommate, adrift because I had no idea how to act like a man. I was surrounded by a campus full of other men who, I assumed, had a fatherly influence and took away from that how to walk, talk, act, and be like a man. I was missing that experience. I felt lost. Not knowing how to act like a man is hard. Not knowing how to act like a man when you are gay is overwhelming. I struggled through, burying the fear and unknown -- as I had done with so many things in my young life -- until it was accepted and not thought about again. Until now...

So, here I am today, a 42 year old man. I know that I am a man. Everthing in my consciousness tells me that I am a man. But how did I get here? How did I become a man? What makes a man a man? Is it having reached the age of twenty-one? Is it having responsibility, a job, bills, others who depend on him? Is it self-awareness? Is it knowing that you are drastically different than the opposite sex? Or is it simply the basic biology of a male homo sapien - facial hair, chest hair, rugged features, a penis..? For me, up to now, I have just been accepting that I was a man because that's what I was told I am. I have never stopped to think about what exactly has made me a man, what has made me the man I am today.

I have recently begun a journey of self-awareness. I have been trying to discover who I am as a person. What activities do I enjoy? What do I require in those I call "friend?" Accepting the body that I have. Being able to admire what I see in the mirror. How I express myself as a person -- vocally, in writing, and in what is unspoken. Becoming comfortable in my own sexual skin, accepting what gives me pleasure, and allowing myself to ask for what I want to make me feel good. Knowing that I can stimulate a partner, mentally, physically, sexually. In this journey I am becoming to understand what makes this man a man.

This is what I know:

I have my beliefs. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that karma exists. I belive that good can be found in everyone and in every situation, sometimes you just have to look closely to find it. I believe that there is may be a higher power, though I do not belive it was the one I was raised to believe in.

I have my needs. I need to be heard. I need to make a positive change in this world, no matter how small in may be. I need the company of friends, friends who accept me unconditionally for what, and who, I am. I need to accept myself, flaws and all. I need to keep close the traumatic things that have happened to me in life, because I now understand that without them I would not be who I am today. I need to feel wanted.

I have my desires. I desire to leave this world having made an impact that will be remembered. I desire to make a living as a writer. I desire to be the type of person who can go to the closet, pull out anything, put it on and leave the house feeling comfortable that I look good. I desire to have the self-acceptance and sense of self to not worry about what others think of me. I desire a partner that loves me unconditionally, allowing me to be my own person, but wanting me with him whenever possible. I desire to be asked for my autograph. I desire the winning lottery ticket (LOL!). I desire... to be desired.

I know that these things make me human. Do they make me a man? Well, these things are me, and I am a man. So, in part, yes. But I think that becoming, and being, a man is an ever-changing experience. What makes me a man today may make me more -- or less -- of a man tomorrow. The trick is discovering what it is in myself and my life that makes me the man I am, and how I can alter those things to make me a better man, and the man I want, and need, to be.

I have an idea of who this man is and who I need, and desire, him to be. As my journey of self-discovery progresses I hope to understand why I went through life without that male influence that could've made becoming a man easier. But as I stated earlier, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe if I had had a father, I would never have had the opportunity I have now -- to discover myself and who I am. Maybe I would've been just as adrift having become a man the "traditional" way. Maybe I would still be questioning what makes a man a man.

All I can do now is take a deep breath and accept what I know this man to be. Then exhale and become the man I will be tomorrow...

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The music that completes today's look: "Wild Is The Wind" by Nina Simone.