Judged...?

I find it odd that I chose a Monday to write my very first blog posting. Monday's have been difficult lately, as I seem to be in an anti-sleep fog throughout the entire morning. I think the busy work and social schedule I have created for myself lately culminates in a sleep-deprived Sunday night. Upon waking on Mondays, I feel like I just need more rest. I try various things to shock me out of my haze -- water, caffeine, exercise, but none of it seems to help. I'd try blaming the cycles of the moon, but I don't think that would hold much water, as it happens every Monday, and I'm sure the moon has better things to do with it's cycles on Sunday nights than to keep me from sleeping.

Knowing this, of course, I should've thought to myself, "You know you're not your best on Mondays, so create your blog tomorrow." But I have been putting this off for a while, wanting to make sure that my first blog entry was witty, somewhat deep, and made a thought-provoking point. Not sure if I'll succeed, but we'll see.

I think my unrest last night was due to a thought that kept rattling around my mind: Why do we, as friends, judge the people that our friends date by our own standards and prejudices? And why do we allow ourselves to worry what people will think of the people we go out with?

I went out on a date with a young man last night that I typically would not consider "my type." Now, I put "my type" in quotation marks, because these days, I'm not really sure I have a type as I once did. This guy is very cute, and very sweet. He is, upon his own admission, a geeky guy. Geekiness is new territory for me. I have never gone out with someone who is as ultra-intelligent and eloquent as this guy is. He plays online games, has a love of advanced mathematics, and actually learns new topics, subjects, and theories because they're fun -- not because he has to. He is very thin, wears glasses, and looks like a teenager (and though that might seem like a perk to some, again not something I typically look for). Yet, even though this was not the typical guy I would see myself going out with, there was a connection, and an attraction there for both of us. So, we had dinner together.

We went to a restaurant that was recommended by a friend. When we walked in, lo and behold, the friend that had recommended the restaurant was there with two other mutual friends. I guess the suggestion of the restaurant put it in his mind, so we all ended up, quite by chance in the same place. All throughout dinner, I found myself wondering what my friends were thinking about my date. I kept imagining what they would be saying. Were they judging? Did they think he was cute? Did they like his smile? Did they think he was good enough? Would they approve?

Now what bothered me was the fact that these things were running through my mind. My friends had not given any indication that they did not approve. There was no judgement, as far as I could tell. As a matter of fact, I have not even talked to them today to get any reading at all. For all I know, they had dinner, left, and never thought about my date at all. But yet it bothered me that I even had these thoughts. Maybe it was an internal judgement. Maybe these were the questions I was subconsciously needing to ask myself. Still, I wondered all night if I was being judged and why it mattered what someone else thinks about who I date...?

It seems that we, as a society, are always judging, and allowing ourselves to be judged. We all make catty remarks about what someone is wearing, how their hair looks, what they drive, or how they talk. And yes, we comment on who they date. So why does it matter? If a friend finds someone that they have a connection with, that they are attracted to, would we not want them to explore and be happy? Why do we project our own ratings, standards, and prejudices on other peoples' lives? If that person is content with their choice, why do we feel a need to break that choice down, or point out -- in whatever method we choose -- that their choice was less than acceptable?

Conversely, why does it matter so much what other people think about us? It seems our sense of self hinges on the acceptance of others. Why do we need someone else's approval of who we are, how we live our lives, and the choices that we make. The more pertinent question here is why do I need that approval..?

So, therein lies the probable reason for my lack of sleep: wrestling with the question of why I allow myself to care if I am judged by others. I guess I really can't help it if I am judged by others, but why does it matter to me if I am. What would the outcome be -- changing myself to be something I am not to please other people? If a friend is judging me, are they really my friend..? What would drive them to feel the need to judge my decisions about life, attraction, and love? Is it their own insecurities? Are they jealous? Do they have a need to be accepted, or to make themselves feel better about themselves by tearing others down? It makes me think about the judging that I do and why I do it. Insecurity? Jealousy? A need for acceptance? I think it may be another restless night tonight as I continue to ponder...

So, maybe my belated New Year's resolution (since I haven't made any yet) should be to try and not care what people think of me. To be my own judge. Live for myself, and know that all of my choices are mine and mine alone, and that no one is going to take responsibility for them but me. Easier said than done, I know, but a goal all the same.


So there you have it, my first blog entry. Hopefully there was wit in there somewhere. Hopefully the subject required a bit of deep introspective thought on your part, if only for a moment. Hopefully you weren't bored senseless. Hopefully you'll be back to read more. Wait, why do I care? Stop judging me!! LOL!

That was my Monday. Wonder what tomorrow will have in store...?